Sorry about the break - I've been having a hard time the past couple of weeks. Really needed some time to myself and have kept secluded. Some not so spectacular events have occurred the past few days which I will refrain from putting out there.

I finally had "the talk" with Alabama. I felt that our friendship could take it and I felt comfortable to let him know that I know we can never be - but that I do love him....I love him. I don't say that often.

It sucks to watch him be with one of my friends. Though this particular person isn't one of my best friends - it still sucks. I know that they are using Alabama for the wrong reasons - and I guess I just have to let it play out.

I hate being in love with someone and there is jack squat you can do about it. I punched the wall a few times the night I told him - had to ice it still have the marks on my fists.

I have always been one that's been ok with the solitude of being single. I can do what I want, I can say what I want. I'm a well behaved person though so I don't really get crazy, but since Kent and I broke up after I went into a minor depression I told myself to not allow myself to be dependent on a relationship.

It's just - the loneliness is really starting to get to me. Being laid off from my job, not being in school and dating no one, having no form of transportation etc. I am forced to stay at home all the time. Even my friends from work hardly contact me anymore.

I made Garlic Herb Chicken Penne Pasta the other night. I texted a few friends to see if they wanted to come share the splendid goodness with me. Everyone was busy with their own lives. The past few days I have just stayed in bed, with the curtains closed, door locked, lights off.

I need that light at the end of the tunnel. I'm tired of being surrounded in darkness.

I'm so lonely.

I got bored the other night and ended up playing with my phone here are some pics:


Me sneaking away from the party


full body shot


Waiting for our table outside Longhorns


Taken in my moment of darkness. I actually had the light on though go me


Me sporting my friend's Samantha's Halloween hat

I was planning on having a relaxing night at home last night. I had the apartment to myself and didn't have to do anything. I could go to bed early, play some WoW, watch some Weeds etc. Then I get a call

Friends want to come over.

Okay.

This always happen - good thing though is each time I have a blast. Too many people enjoy coming over to my apartment to party and usually 3 to 5 people will show up and at the end of the night at least 20 to 30 are there.

I got a little too drunk last night.

Didn't get to bed until 5:30 a.m.

Came to work at 9:00 a.m. still drunk.

Passed out on the couch for an hour before we opened - so got paid $10 to sleep for an hour.

Got a slight headache.

Good thing I really don't get bad hangovers. If anything just a slight headache like now.

I don't mean to write of all this "not happy" stuff but I guess that's what I created this xanga for, no? To release all my crap so I don't have to bottle it up.

I got really pissed and upset toward my roommate last night. One I live where I work - meaning I can't be a "normal" resident as my boss has pointed out to me a few times, and I understand to an extent.

He created a party on facebook the other day and well over 170 people were invited O.o and the list keeps growing...uuhhh yeah our apartment can fit maybe 35 to 40. We have about 40 comfirmed so far.....and that's just from a few days.

Last night I was asleep in my room and about 1:00 a.m. I hear him come in the apartment with some our friends and turn up the radio and start playing beer pong. I don't see no harm in it I'm use to it until one of my staff members calls me and asks are you guys being loud? I say well my roommate is out in the living room with some friends, why? He told me that our patrol service was knocking on our door and that it was so "loud" that no one was answering. I'm like great one of my staff members had to call me to tell me to quiet down.

I go out there and let him know that he needs to calm it down and that Mil-Spec was at the door. I guess what occured was one of our neighbors (really creepy, awkward, weird kind of kid) kept knocking at our door. None of us really feel comfortable around him so what does my roommate do. He turns the music up. The guy knocks louder. He turns it up more etc. to the point where our security comes to knock on our door and they think it's still him so the keep turning the music up.

I decide to stay out and play some beer pong with them and the thing is my roommate is a very very competitive guy and all the other guys and I just play for fun whatever. He is also has some serious anger issues. Well needless to say none of us, but my roommate I guess, were really in the mind set to play beer pong so we weren't really putting too much thought into it and somehow my roommate kept landing on the losing team.

His anger started kicking in and you could tell our friends were starting to get a bit uncomfortable with how he was acting, I sure was, and I told him that he needed to calm the fuck down and take some anger management classes. There were some light bulbs on the counter and what did he do...he broke one and then he held one to my face and told me that I better win this next game with him.

I don't handle threats in that manner with the best attitude. I tried to hold back my own anger as best as I could since I'm so good at holding myself back. I was just raised in a very abusive home and so threats like that really make me uncomfortable and make me feel unsafe which then turned into anger because I feel I don't have to put up with that crap.

The thing is he's such a great friend and I know he won't do any harm and a lot of it is just talk - but it still bothers me. Him and I are like brothers so it's just odd that I'm now seeing some of his worse sides to himself.

I don't know where I'm going with this post - I just needed to get it out and since I didn't want to bore anyone with details I kind of quickly went through it all and didn't go into detail.